The Refrigerator Called Life

 

I have a friend whose refrigerator resembles a surgical suite.  Pristine and organized within an inch of its life, it’s perfectly stocked with every staple, main dish ingredient and culinary extra you could hope for.

In the door, condiments and dressings line up like grade-schoolers waiting for a class photo: tall ones in back, short ones in front.  All of the dairy products are close at hand when the door swings open.  If you’re looking for the cottage cheese, it’s there with the milk, just as it should be.  Other cheeses live in a plastic container underneath the cottage cheese (no meat drawer for them!) and the yogurts are stacked just behind, according to flavor. Why it’s important to have all the raspberry yogurts together rather than intermingled with the lemon and dutch apple I’m not sure, but that’s the way it’s done in her refrigerator.

In my friend’s refrigerator, greens are always crisp, fruit never goes bad and you never, ever have to haul everything off a shelf to get to the bag of chocolate chips hidden in the back. (The fact that they’re hidden there to slow down the chocoholic who’d gotten into the habit of grabbing a handful now and then is beside the point. In her world, everything should be accessible, and the chip-grabber should learn a little discipline.)

I know my friend likes me too much to ever say a word, but I can see her nose twitching like a disapproving schoolmarm when she comes to visit. She opens the door to my little food haven with the trepidation of a spelunker in unfamiliar territory. If her refrigerator is a Shakespearean sonnet, mine’s an old issue of National Enquirer.  The fact that I usually manage to avoid unidentifiable fuzzy things in plastic containers is a plus, but barely.  From her perspective, things are out of control, and she’d be much happier if I established a little order. (more…)

Arc to Arcturus

 

At 8:37 p.m. on July 13, 1977, a lightning strike at the Buchanan South substation on New York’s Hudson River tripped two circuit breakers in Westchester County.  At Buchanan South, which converted  345,000 volts of electricity from the Indian Point nuclear plant to lower voltage, a loose locking nut, combined with a faulty upgrade cycle, meant the breaker wasn’t able to reclose and allow power to resume flowing.

A second lightning strike caused two more 345,000 volt transmission lines to fail, with only one reclosing properly.  That meant loss of power from Indian Point.  As a result, two other major transmission lines became over-loaded. When Con Edison tried to initiate fast-start generation at 8:45 p.m., no one was overseeing the station, and the remote start failed.

That’s when the lights went out in a Morningside Gardens apartment at 123rd and Broadway, along with the lights in the rest of New York City.  I just had returned from four years in Liberia, and was visiting friends for a few days before heading to California.  We’d finished dinner and were enjoying the twin pleasures of good conversation and the view from their 12th floor apartment, when New York simply disappeared.

It’s common enough for storms to start lights flickering and dimming, and not unusual for power to go out in a neighborhood even without a storm.  Transformers explode, winds bring down powerlines, squirrels play tag, and people sigh as they wonder how long it will be until they can make coffee, or turn on the computer, or watch tv in air-conditioned comfort again.

But that night in New York, in the moments between Con Ed’s failed re-start and the starting of the first arson fires in the street, we knew something was different.  Looking down from our perch, we watched traffic come to a halt as astounded drivers tried to get their bearings and control their anxiety.  Looking off toward the horizon, there was no horizon: only a black, impenetrable abyss.

The night was one of the longest of my life.  The vibrato of the sirens, the delicate horror of shattering glass, the ebb and flow of crowds around piles of merchandise looted from bodegas and coffee shops were utterly surreal, surrounded as they were by the orange glow of flames and smoke from burning cars.

Eventually, as the fires in our neighborhood began to be extinguished and the crowds seemed to be losing their enthusiasm for mayhem, we began to rest – two people sleeping as one person watched, and all of us wondering what might be next.

As the first tendrils of light began to wrap themselves around buildings and climb down into the streets, the sense of relief was palpable.  Civilization’s veneer had worn a bit thin over the night – not only because of the arson, looting and general rioting which erupted in the darkness, but also because of the darkness itself.  As we plunged inexplicably into that abyss, our candles and flashlights did nothing to allay a fear so primitive it was only the rising of the sun that brought release.

In the morning brilliance, an entire city seemed to stretch and heave a vast sigh of relief. In the street outside our apartment, someone had opened a fire hydrant just enough for a faucet’s worth of water to stream down, gentle and benign.  Suddenly filled with good humor and ready to trade stories, a city lined up at its hydrants with soap and towels, toothbrushes, wash basins and razors, and prepared to become human again.

As I think back to that amazing New York night, I remember my response with absolute clarity.  I wanted to go back to Liberia.  Looking down into the chaos-filled streets, the West African bush seemed preferable to “civilization” in any number of ways, not the least of which was the quality of its darkness.

I first experienced darkness as a blessing during childhood.   Dressed for midwestern safari, I’d clamber into the car beside my Dad, and off we’d go.  Traveling country roads, we’d roam as far from the lights of our little town as we could.  If it was summer, we’d pull out a blanket and lie on the ground, amazed at the bright river of stars streaming across the sky.  If it was cold and snowy, we’d wrap the blankets around us for extra warmth, drink hot chocolate and admire Orion, my favorite winter constellation. 

I learned the constellations first - Orion,  the Big Dipper, Cassiopeia, Scorpio.   Later, I began to learn stars -Antares, Aldebaran, Polaris, Betelgeuse, Sirius – and little verses that helped find them in the sky.  “Arc to Arcturus, spike to Spica”, the verse went, and arc to Arcturus I did, gazing over and again into mysteries that seemed close enough to touch.

Eventually, I began to grow up.  Trips to the country with Dad weren’t as much fun, and adventure became measured in lumens.  We hadn’t heard of light pollution, and we were seekers of light, real or metaphorical.  The bright lights of Broadway, the City Lights Bookstore in San Francisco, even Paris, the City of Light, drew us out of our darkness toward their flames like a great, fluttering cloud of moths.  If we sometimes had to settle for the lesser lights of Des Moines, Paducah or Evansville, no matter.  Our lives began to arc in new directions, and Arcturus was forgotten.

Forgotten that, is until years in the African bush and a newly-acquired taste for offshore sailing pulled me back into the darkness, amazing me with the realization that “star” light is real.  Even without a moon in the sky, starlit paths cross land and sea; night creatures scurry ahead of nearly invisible shadows and ribbons of spume stream across the waves, hardly distinguishable from milky rivers in the sky and lit by the flickering of uncounted distant stars. 

There is darkness that is an absence – an absence of the neon, incandescent and fluorescent lights that mark the presence of humans and their activity.  When that darkness comes, as it did in the New York City blackout, it can be unnerving and awkward, occasionally frightening and quite capable of releasing all the darkness in the human soul. 

But there is another darkness which is all presence: velvets folds of night sprinkled with tiny bits of light and time that testify to our presence within a reality far older than human life.  Wrapped in that darkness, secure and at home as child with parent, our souls begin to arc to Arcturus and beyond, toward the galaxies beyond our heavens and into a more compassionate understanding of our own place in the universe.  Arcturus is already there, waiting at our vision’s edge.  We need only lift our eyes.

 

Edvard Munch ~ Summer Night on the Beach

 

 I live near the sea. On these summer nights
Arcturus is already there, steadfast
in the southwest. Standing at the edge of the grass,

I am beginning to connect them as once they were connected,
the fixity of stars and unruly salt water -
by sailors with an avarice for landfall.

From where I stand the sea is just a rumor.
The stars are put out by our street lamp. Light
and water are well separated. And yet

the surviving of the sea-captain in his granddaughter
is increasingly apparent. (more than life was lost
when he drowned in the Bay of Biscay. I never saw him.)

As I turn to go in, the hills grow indistinct as his memory.
The coast is near and darkening. The stars are clearer,
but shadows of the grass and house are lapping at my feet

when I see the briar rose, no longer blooming,
but rigged in the twilight as sails used to be -
lacy and stiff together, a frigate of ivory.
 
                

~ Eavan Boland  

 

                                                                             

© Text copyright Linda Leinen 2008

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Sisyphus and Shakespeare – A Writer’s Perfect Pair

 

As readers began to ponder some of the life choices I’ve listed on my About Me pageand compared their own choices to mine, one very sharp lady refused to accept the premise.  Rather than choose between mountains and ocean, she asked, “Can’t I have them both?”  Since I’m also the person who chose both/and over either/or,  I became the one left with no choice.  She got her mountains and her ocean, and this morning, I’m opting for Shakespeare and Sisyphus as I continue to chart my course.

For a writer, Shakespeare is pure inspiration.  The beauty of his structures, the elegance of his chosen words  and his provocative insights into the condition of the human heart never have been surpassed.  His work has penetrated so deeply into our culture that lines and phrases pop up in conversation daily.  Even better, Shakespearean Rap and HipHop is a coming thing, and the purists had best turn away.   Bill Shakespeare would have loved this rendition of the moment in Act II of Midsummer Night’s Dream when Puck gets recognized and begins to brag a bit about his exploits.  I’m no lover of the new musical genres as a rule, but Shakespeare’s words are better spoken than silently read, and they translate beautifully into the HipHop age.

As for Sisyphus, he is all about perseverance.  The fact that he has been condemned to his fate may or may not be analogous to the writer’s lot in life; there are arguments to be made on both sides of that proposition.   But the image of persistent effort has power across a multitude of disciplines.   Persistence helps to provide necessary structures for the content of thought,  damming and channeling and controlling  the flow of inspiration in positive and creative ways.

Inspiration and perseverance belong together.  Without persistent effort, even the most incisive thoughts, exquisite images or shattering metaphors remain diffuse and unfocused.  Without effort, the right word remains the “almost right word”, an unhappy circumstance Mark Twain acknowledged when he said, “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.”

But inspiration is the raw material upon which persistence works its magic.  Without inspiration, writing (or research, or painting or any of the arts) remain pedantic: interesting, perhaps salutary, but incapable of touching the soul or freeing the heart to sing.  I knew a woman, years ago, who was determined to be a poet.  She wrote hundreds of poems; she was the most diligent and persistent creature on earth.   Her poetry was structurally beautiful, and utterly dead.  As one of her own children said, “The best thing about Mom’s poetry is its power as a negative example”.   That is not a legacy one would choose.

There has been a tendency among writers to regard inspiration as mysterious and magical, arbitrary and capricious, willing to take up residence in one psyche but not another for no apparent reason.  I no longer believe that.  The world is available to all, and the Muses are not so stingy.  A clear eye, an open heart, an appreciation for new trends as well as old verities, and an acceptance of the differences among people and their experiences all help prepare the ground for inspiration to take root and grow.

To paraphrase a well-known line from the movie Field of Dreams, if you prepare to be inspired, inspiration will come.  When that happens, the only question that remains is how much persistence you are willing to devote to shaping the gift of the Muse.

 

 

Shakespeare’s Sonnet XXVIII – A Way of Seeing Perseverance

 Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed,
The dear repose for limbs with travel tired;
But then begins a journey in my head
To work my mind, when body’s work’s expired:
For then my thoughts–from far where I abide–
Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee,
And keep my drooping eyelids open wide,
Looking on darkness which the blind do see:
Save that my soul’s imaginary sight
Presents thy shadow to my sightless view,
Which, like a jewel hung in ghastly night,
Makes black night beauteous, and her old face new.
Lo! thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind,
For thee, and for myself, no quiet find.

 

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Published in:  on April 27, 2008 at 9:01 am Leave a Comment
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Until They Take the Doors Away

     

At the April meeting of the Houston Bay Area Writers’ League a fellow told the following story in response to my poem, The Task at Hand, and its first line, which reads, “Even the right word takes effort…”

As he told it, “A man worked at a studio in Italy where they cast huge bronze doors. His job was to perform the last step in the creative process: polishing the doors with a soft cloth.   He stood all day long, day after day, rubbing and rubbing with his cloth until the doors gleamed. A visitor to the studio watched him for nearly an hour, certain he would tire, but the man labored on.  Eventually, the watching man asked, “How do you know when you’ve completed the job?”

“It’s easy,” the man with the cloth replied.  “They take the door away from me.”

When I  heard the story, the parallels to a writer’s task were obvious.  Everyone who has written – whether a term paper, a job application, a newsletter article or a blog - knows the temptation to toil away, polishing words until they gleam.  Those who engage themselves in larger projects, such as essays, short stories or book-length fiction and non-fiction, can find themselves in the same situation as the door-polisher.  Sometimes it seems as though a finite number of words can be rearranged an infinite number of times, and in an infinite number of ways.  There are times when the effort leads to a sense of things being “right”, and times when an editor, a publisher, a deadline or simple exhaustion  puts an end to the process by “taking the writing away.”

 

 

 I experience the same dynamic in my own life.  If you have read my About Me page, you know that I varnish boats for a living.  Every profession and trade has its favorite sayings, and one of the favorites among varnishers is, “There’s no such thing as a last coat.”  No matter how diligent the varnisher, no matter how attentive or cautious, there always will be insects and pollen, humidity, wind and fog,  rain, dew, heat and manic yard crews with an assortment of mowers and blowers to bring frustration and chaos into the creative process.  So, we continue on: sanding and varnishing over again, polishing the wood until it shines – or until they take the boat away.

The same dynamic touches all of us.  In our early years, we design and cast and dream,  beginning the process of creating a self.  As time goes on, we begin to produce, expending more or less effort toward bringing that design and that dream to fulfillment.  And, in the end, when the decisions have been made, the experience lived and the responsibility accepted, wisdom stands with her cloth, polishing our lives until they fairly gleam – until those lives are taken away.

 

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Published in:  on April 24, 2008 at 6:01 am Comments (3)
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